What's
in a name? Shakespeare would have us believe “a rose by any other
name would smell as sweet.” Does this apply to people as well,
truly? This is the issue I wish to discuss, the customary practice of
name-changing in marriage. More specifically, I wish to challenge the
accepted and expected practice of the female partner taking the male
partner's last name in heteronormative unions.
Though
perhaps one of the more outwardly benign slightings of women in the
world (compared to, say, job earnings and rape culture), this
practice still hurts women in their fight for equality- to wit,
encourages male domination and the destruction of the female's unique
identity.
But
first, a bit about me. I am a 27 year old male, living in New York
City, who married his loving female partner in September of 2012. I
am a feminist. When we married, I decided that I would change my name
to hers, in place of the usual practice, or of even keeping our names
separate and unique. I had several, more personal, reasons for doing
this which are out of the scope of this discussion, but my feminist
tendencies were the driving force. My aim in detailing this
experience is in the hope that it leads others to question this
punitive and demeaning practice of subsuming the female's identity
into the male's as a glorification of a paternal society.
I
again ask, what IS in a name? What is it's value? If you feel there
is nothing in a name, as Shakespeare did, then surely the practice of
name changing at all should be unnecessary in your eyes. Sure- you
could argue, a name's not important, the female should be willing to
give up her name freely. If so, why not the male too? Why not even
swap names? Or better yet, choose some new surname that combines the
beliefs and values, families and history of both partners equally?
Perhaps
the first big decision lies in describing your unity. Remember, a
marriage/wedding/civil union is designed to be an outward sign of
continued, equivalent partnership between two individuals. So why
should there be inequality in the rituals associated, such as in
name-changing? This is your first act together as a married couple,
is starting off your relationship in subservience to the line of the
male really a good precedent?
Some
might argue that a name does indedd carry great value, as it can be
connected to a family history or one might want to honor a family
member by carrying on a family name. Sometimes you just have a cool
name that you want to hang onto. Maybe you've defined yourself with
or against any implications that name has for you and others in your
life. There are many reasons people find value in the name to which
they were born. In any case, if you feel you have a right to keep
your surname, so does your partner. Males, keep that in mind when you
aks your future partner to change their name.
My
own journey started with the courthouse, where we were met,
thankfully, by an understanding official who was very interested and
excited in my decision to change my name, once he understood our
request. The DMV was just as indifferent as they ever are, though
maybe I spied an infintesimally small eyebrow raising. However, at
the Social Security office, things got more difficult. I was
extensively questioned and the clerk was surprised that I could even
do this legally. I had to assure the clerk that the courthouse had
already sanctioned the decision. It struck me that an employee of the
Social Security system was unaware of policy and reluctant to accept
my decision. How did this endanger them? Is it not their job to
facilitate this process? Was I not putting money in their pockets? So
why the resistance?
This
was a similar confusion I encountered throughout my experience of
switching my name, a thread of "I don't understand" to "you
can do that?" I am pleased that most people were really excited
about it and some even said that they wished they had done the same.
I recall one security officer at work remarked that he desperately
wished he had been brave enough to fight convention and take his
wife's name; his own he always disliked.
I
am glad that this process opened the eyes of everyone I encountered,
whether it was at the courthouse, the DMV, the Social Security
office, my bank, my retirement plan, my professional organization and
licensing authority, my employer and all the parties within such as
the IT department for my system login information and security for my
ID badge, the Post Office, the IRS, my family and friends, etc and so
on.
I
didn't fully realize just how much there was to do when one changes
their name until I had to start doing it. Hopefully the list I
started above gives you some idea. Even just changing my professional
email from [formerlastname@emailaccount.com] to
[newlastname@emailaccount.com] was a hassle as I had to create a new
email address, then update every single person/entity that used that
email to contact me. It seemed like there was a never-ending list of
things to do when I changed my name. I would also like to remind my
readers that the majority of the changes listed above cost money, not
to mention time. In a society were women already make less than men,
are likely to lose out more on salary if they want to spend any time
with their children beacause of limited maternity leave (and
paternity leave, but that's another issue), women are presented with
yet another gender-baised economic hardship in the cost of a
name change.
Now
what about my family's reaction? Well, this gets into some of the
dicey personal issues that I want to avoid in this paper but as far
as the family members who mattered enough to have at our wedding are
concerned, my side of the family were befuddled but accepting, the
way perhaps made easier by the fact I'd always been 'a bit strange'
to them. Noteably, my uncle had his children make a congratulations
card (which was sweet) but it was congratulating us on our (and I
quote) "non-traditional wedding." Not on our wedding or
partnership, or life together, but instead qualified with
'non-traditional' (though it was) as if to further cement in these
children's heads that the way we did things was not 'normal' and that
should be kept in mind for their own weddings in the future. As for
my partner's family, some of my decision to take her name came from a
desire to honor her family for taking me in and truly being a second
family for me. I have never, and will never, think of them as
'in-laws' but instead as fathers, mothers, sisters, grandparents, and
so on.
So
what is in a name? For me, it was strife, hardship, frustration,
financial burden, and lost time. What will you and your parnter
choose when playing the name game? It is my hope that you will keep
this story in mind. Complacency in the current culture is tantamount
to encouragement; an object in motion remains in motion unless acted
upon by another force. I would be ecstatic if this paper led to
discussions with your own family and friends. My journey had its
challenges, and most certainly was eye-opening, but I must admit that
perhaps some of the potential impedence to completion was diffused by
my being accustomed to a life of strife against prevailing trends and
by this all taking place in New York City, where people are at least
aware of various and divergent lifestyles existing, if not
encouraged. I shudder to think what this process would have been like
in a less progressive area. I will leave the reader with the words
that we can make a difference in gender inequality by being informed
ourselves, informing others, and taking non-violent action to change
negative and damaging traditions inherent in our communities and
cultures. Every action has a reaction, and ripples can spread wider
and farther than one might think.
*Content copyright The Samnambulist, 2014*
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